What you need to know about MIA
MIA was the right choice. At Marco Island Academy we offer a personalized learning experience that helps every student to be able to learn. This is because of the small classes where you can get one-on-one help from the teachers, which is not available at larger schools. At MIA we are a family who cares for all of our students and staff. With the new building and state of the art security systems MIA is better than ever. Only students and staff are allowed in the school with the new personalized ID cards which you can use to get into every classroom at Marco Island Academy.
Mia Athletics and Clubs
Marco Island Academy also offers multiple different sports such as our baseball, basketball and volleyball teams among others. This year alone we have won the PCAC championship in 6 different sports. We also offer multiple different clubs such as Key club, national honors societies, and interact club. All of these activities allow the students to be included in the MIA experience.
First Day Guide
The first day at MIA has always been my favorite, as when you go to your new classes you get to meet new people and are introduced to new topics that will interest you. If you are willing to make friends then MIA is perfect for you. On the first day you will also be able to see the kindness that your teachers exhibit. You will not need to bring very much for the first day either, as all you will need to do is give MIA a chance to convince you.
Advice
Marco Island Academy is a great choice for you, if you give it a chance. I am currently a junior at MIA and I love it. At first you may feel overwhelmed with the amount of work that you are given in certain classes, but each and every class will teach you something important that you will use in the future.The last piece of advice i would recommend is to take the school work seriously, but i would try and have as much fun as you can in the process.
Commentary
I believe that the text that I have written was very well written, however I believe that I could have used better linguistic choices in order to strengthen my points. I believe that the primary focus of my text was directed towards overall advice and advice for going to MIA but I believe that I could have focused more on the first week as a whole. For example, I had divided the topics into “What you need to know about MIA,” “Mia Athletics and Clubs,” “First Day Guide” and “Advice.” I should have divided these up in better categories in order to explain the first week at MIA instead of focusing on the first day. I also think that I had gone off topic because I was supposed to write about how I was a junior but I was supposed to write it three weeks before the first day, which I had done in the “First Day Guide” section. I also think that I should have gone into more depth about the new school and the advantages of going to MIA over other schools. I think that I had used very persuasive language by explaining how MIA is a great choice for the reader of the leaflet, which can feel more personalized and convincing. I had also given myself credibility by saying that I was a junior at MIA which had strengthened my points because I had experienced what I was saying. I had also covered many different topics that may interest almost everyone, which would keep them interested. I had also reinforced the reader's choice by saying that “MIA was the right choice.”
Hi Colby,
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning of your blog you start out with a couple of run-on sentences and simple ideas. Leaning it into the 3 range. This is until, in the subtitle of the second paragraph when you said, "Mia Athletics..." Where you didn't capitalize the abbreviation of Marco Island Academy. What I noticed next was that throughout your analysis you didn't really have strong lexical choices. Speaking of language, in your fourth paragraph, you used "i" without capitalization. This use of "i" is just sloppy and drops some aspects of your writing down to a level 2 for AO2.
As for the commentary that you wrote, you recognized some of the mishaps that I made comments about. You also included that you went a little off topic which was something I decided not to mention but could be argued for. Overall I would say a 3 for the clarity of commentary on AO3 and a 7 for AO2. Overall making this paper a 10/25.
Dear Colby,
ReplyDeleteThe first comment is, you had 640 words all together, and because this paper is so important it should have been longer than that. Another thing that is incorrect is the point of view that is happening in your leaflet, it shouldn't be in the first person. When writing a leaflet, the use of the ‘I’ throughout the leaflet is incorrect in this form, also due to the fact that you should be directing your attention to the audience and not yourself. You just can't say ‘I’, in this format. For example is when you said, ‘I am currently a junior at MIA and I love it.’ You can't do this. Now when you are giving you commary it's fine but not in part A.
For AO2 you had a clear expression, it was also well organized, but for the task, and for addressing the audience was poorly done. The task was to make the reader feel comfortable coming to Marco Island Academy, the reason as to why it was done poorly is because you just highlighted everything that we had here at MIA and not what they should be doing one the first day here. You did direct some of the leaflet towards what they should do, but you often got off topic. Some examples of when you got off topic was when you started talking about the clubs and all the kinds of sports we have when really they shouldn't be worrying about that all the first day of school, “This year alone we have won the PCAC championship in 6 different sports.” That's a quote from your blog that sums that up. For AO2 I give you 8 marks.
For the second part which is your reflection on your leaflet, you said ‘I believe that the text that I have written was very well written and yes it was good but it wasn't written well in the correct format or when you didn't write the leaflet in the correct format, The reason I say this is because your paragraphs were longer. When you're talking and trying to get an eighth grader or ninth graders attention that's coming to MIA you don't want to overwhelm them with a lot of information all at once, that's what you did in your paragraphs. Another thing that could have been done better was, you directed the leaflet toward yourself when you should have directed towards your audience, You could have done a better job addressing your audience. And that's the reason why I don't agree with you when you said it was written well because it really wasn't. You had good content but wrong paper. You did have a clear analysis and your language was common so for that I have to give you 5 markings and you're in the level 3 area for AO3.
The first thing I noticed is you wrote your leaflet in first person, this should've been written in second person perspective instead, so that you correctly address the audience to get their attention. I also noticed some grammatical errors that could be easily fixed. For example when you said “ Mia Athletics and Clubs' ' as one of your headings, headings are important when writing a leaflet because usually people read the heading to know what the following information is about. So for AO2 I will give you a level 2 with 4 marks. If you make a few changes it will bump you up, just make sure you go over your work and read the prompt thoroughly.
ReplyDeleteAs for AO3, the first thing that came to mind is you had very limited analysis of your form, structure, and language. As I said before, you didn't really address your audience, for the most part you made it about yourself by using “I” and first person perspective. If the leaflet was written correctly it would have been really good. I agree with what you said in your analysis when you wrote “I believe that I could have focused more on the first week as a whole.” You did for the majority write in general about the school rather than what to first expect when you walk through the doors. So for AO3 i give you a level 2 with 4 marks.
Overall score of 8/25